I was 19 years old and sat in an office.  It was my first job after dropping out of University early.  

One of the guys in the office was to do some new system training with me.  He came to sit beside me and started to go through the new system. In that moment, I can't really describe what happened but it was like an internal bomb went off.  It was like I left my body.  I felt really out of control and I had to get some air.  It was an unusual experience but I didn't think much of it.  

Until it started to happen all the time.  I was having what could only be described as 'attacks of absolute terror' up to 6 times a day at it's worst.  I had no idea what was happening to me and I daren't tell anyone because I thought I was going mad. The feeling of absolute insanity that would come over me was horrific and I was sure that if I told anyone, they'd put me in a straight jacket, so this in retrospect was exacerbating the problem.  (My biggest fear growing up was that I would develop schizophrenia so you can imagine the lovely game the ego was playing with me as I went into panic.  So it was a vicious cycle I couldn’t get out of).

Eventually, after 18 months, (I still don't know how I managed to keep going that long), I spoke with a doctor and it became clear I was experiencing panic attacks. I had actually developed a Panic Disorder because they didn't seem linked to a specific trigger so I became afraid of having one and I was living in a constant state of hyper-vigilance and adrenaline, on the lookout 24/7 to try to avoid having another.  It was absolutely exhausting and it was also futile.    With the help of anti-depressants the anxiety eventually subsided but now I was numb. I didn't feel anything and all the suppressed emotions and traumas were still lay dormant underneath.  Nothing was healed, it was just buried.   I thought I had got out of the hell of panic disorder until I had another panic attack at 23 which put me back in the cycle of ‘fear of fear’….sounds ridiculous but if you know you know.  The level of vigilance to try and stop myself having a panic attack, constantly checking if I was going to have another one from moment to moment was relentless.

This led to a lot of self medication and too much partying, trying to escape the prison of my mind and then paying the price for it double-time after the weekend.  And the cycle continued.  I thought there was something inherently wrong with me, I was damaged and there was no real hope for me.  I was stuck like this forever.

I still managed to work and be successful, (in a corporate way) but i was living half a life.  Everything was difficult.  I hid it well but there was little respite and it was exhausting.   I was pretending on every level.

I married and did all the things I thought you were supposed to do, and I had my daughter Layla in 2004.  But the void was real and the thoughts and emptiness continued to run the show.   When she was 3 I left my marriage as I couldn’t pretend anymore.

I started a recruitment business at this time which I managed to make work.  It appeased some of the guilt that was there around leaving my marriage and choosing the path of being a single mum, leaving my daughter from a broken home.  The guilt was horrific but working from home made it easier on some level.  I’m very grateful for what that business gave me.

But on a spiritual level,  I was searching big time for answers, I knew there had to be more than this....but I didn’t know how to find it.

Breaking Through - The journey out of suffering to the Miracle Mind!

It was in 2019 I discovered Breathwork through my sister who'd had a few sessions and said she’d really benefitted. Although I was extremely shut down and unable to experience the benefits in the first couple of sessions, something about Breathwork was really interesting to me and I felt very pulled towards it. 

When Covid hit, work was very quiet and I decided to use the time to really learn how to do it properly and I went in deep.  I did an intensive online course with a world renowned teacher and this was when the breakthroughs really happened.  Once I got comfortable with it and realised I wasn’t going to die or have a stroke doing it, (yes that’s the bullshit my mind would say) I began to have incredible experiences.  The first was emotion, and I mean emotion like I’d never encountered.  Like 'Tsunami level' tears and wailing...gosh the wailing…..and I was so grateful to feel these feelings but without any story attached.  Daily I began to release more and more of all the stuff I had been holding.  And it felt AMAZING!  And then I began to release physically – shaking, convulsing – again it was incredible to feel this survival energy leaving my body and creating space for me to feel safe to just be here.  

More than anything, I started to feel safe….something I hadn’t felt since being a young child.

Everything started to click into place. I was returning to the version of me I was supposed to be and not the one I thought I needed to be.  Regular breathwork sessions led to me shedding more and more of my story and trauma.  I realise now I had been though a lot of stress leading up to the panic attacks, including being attacked by some girls in a nightclub.  I hadn't processed any of it and my nervous system was completely overloaded to the point it just started firing off all the time, without warning.  )If we don't process events properly, our system gets overloaded and anxiety takes a hold...and can escalate to more extreme levels).

Ceremonial Cacao, ( an incredible plant medicine which is the purest form of chocolate) arrived at the same time i'd started my breathwork training and also made a huge difference to my mood…..it opened my heart, helped hugely with anxiety which I was now experiencing due to a drop in hormones, (Perimenopause) and I began to use it with my breathwork practice.  Soon after I launched my own brand of cacao  - www.breathepraylove.co.uk, importing from Peru and sourcing from the Ashaninka tribe, to share the love with as many people as possible.

I was on a healing journey and I wanted so much to share it with others but there was a final piece missing before I could really show up in my truth and that was to undo the beliefs that were still running the show, my character/personality and release the guilt and shame the ego still had me believe was part of me. I embarked on an 18 month deep dive into 'A Course in Miracles', travelling the world and working intensively to undo the egoic thought system……to undo the absolute tosh I was believing, all it’s judgements, projections, attack and defence thoughts.  It was not for the faint hearted but without doubt the best work I’ve ever done.

This was the cherry on the top of everything I had done and deepened my connection to the truth of me  - Unconditional Love.

Looking back I can see there had been a lot of suppression of feelings, perfectionism, being a high achiever and not being completely authentic or true to myself. A lot of self-abandonment has happened and I had unknowingly been heavily in my masculine energy. 

Now this has been healed and released, I am in a position to work with you and give you all the tools you need to release yourself from the shackles of the mind.

Old stories are gone, projections, blame, judgements are no more and I am FREE!!

I am here to help you get free too.  If I can do it, so can you.

For Everything A Reason…..and my reason is YOU!